|remind me to not do that again!!
||[Jun. 16th, 2006 - 09:25 am]
Diabetics with Binge Eating Disorder or COE
|[||state of mind
well, yesterday i saw my dietician for the first time in what feels like 100 years. it's probably only 10 years. in any event, we met for an hour, and i was reminded yet again of how painful and emotionally difficult it is to talk about my food and my food habits -- i can't even begin to tell you how tough!!
then, 90 minutes later, i saw my therapist for our regularly scheduled appt. -- and continued the discussion around food-stuffs. needless to say, today i feel bruised all over, emotionally. not because they were nasty or mean to me, but because of hearing and acknowledging so many unpalatable truths. no pun intended.
by the time i got to therapy, i started the session with this comment: "i would rather have sex wtih a total stranger -- in public -- than talk about my food with anyone."
let's just say she wrote that one down as one of lthe more insightful and vehement lines she's heard in her 20 years as a therapist. but i swear it's true!
after some discussion of how food is a best friend for me, etc. i realized that it is much more than that.
food is my secret lover. the thing that fills up, or rather, TRIES to fill up, the heart-hungry part of me.
of course, it fails. because food is fuel for the body, not for the hungry heart. love and acceptance and joy and music fill up the hungry heart, or at least make a good attempt. the rest is filled iwth The Divine. Awareness of The Divine, around me and in me.
it's all very well and good to say that here, but the truth is, when i'm sitting there and the cookies -- or whatever -- are calling to me _ as a friend of mine once said, "calling to me like a hooker on a street corner: Hey honey, c'mere i've got something for YOU" - it's very tough to hear the Divine. And hearing that Divine is the only thing that is going to save my life, now that my body has decided it is not going to put up iwth my food abuse anymore.
xposted to diabetic bingers -- sorry, i don't know how to make it a link.