||[Oct. 1st, 2006 - 08:55 am]
Diabetics with Binge Eating Disorder or COE
Hello, I've just found this community and thought I'd introduce myself upon joining.|
Internet name's Marine, I'm a 27-year-old teacher. Also, I'm French. I have type II diabetes and BED. I went without any treatment for some time (way too long, but anyway... I just couldn't cope with the whole thing, so I tried to pretend it wasn't there), now my doctor is trying to find a suitable treatment for me. I'm supposed to go and have my bloodsugar tested in the coming weeks, but I don't know if I'll do it because I just know my doctor is gonna give me stronger meds because I cannot diet like I'm supposed to.
Oh, and I also have depression. I get meds for that but I think the dose isn't right anymore... yet another reason why I should go to my doctor, isn't it?
So why is it so hard? Because with my weight and my meds and my diabetes (which came about because of my ED) and my not being able to just stop eating I feel like such a complete, total loser it's not even funny. I have tried everything... therapy, exercise, art... the only thing that ever worked was smoking like a chimney, but now I've stopped that and my ED, which had been leaving me alone, is coming back. Cannot eat meals. Cannot have any structure to what I eat, gotta have whatever is available, whenever. I feel like it ought to be so easy, and my not succeeding is just a proof of how weak I am.
I've never gotten proper support for my ED, I think. I hate to say this, because my country is actually quite good when it comes to the medical profession, but there's one big thing that's lacking and that is the recognition of BED as an ED. It's starting, slowly... too slowly. When I was a teen it wasn't recognized at all... So basically I was neither anorexic nor bulimic. I'd tell people I was bulimic so I could get *some* help... because I somehow needed - still need - to be recognized as more than just "someone who eats too much."
Now that I'm in contact with the medical profession again, I'm going to see what help I can get, although as I'm typing this it feels surreal to say that because I feel like there is no help for me, like unless I finally kick myself in the ass and get it right it's gonna fail and I'm gonna die from my diabetes. At the same time I SO don't want to deal. I just feel like staying home, with the curtains drawn so noone can see or hear me, so noone knows I'm here... hidden to the world. I feel good like that. Either that or I don't know that I feel bad... I don't always feel, and more often than not I'm dead sure I'm fine until I start binging, and that's when I understand that maybe there's something wrong. I have to think it because I don't feel it, and even when I think it it seems so stupid... I mean, either you feel a feeling or it doesn't exist, right?
Has anyone in this community ever felt like that?
Wow, that was some rambling right there. Just want to add that I hope I haven't offended anyone. The judgments I apply to myself aren't those I apply to the rest of the world. At some fucked up level, I always feel like everyone has reasons for what they do... except me.
Anyway, well, I'm glad I found this community. Nice to know I'm not alone. I've never ever talked to someone with BED, let alone someone with both BED and diabetes. Great to know this community exists. Please don't be put off by my whining, I'm not always like this ^^.